Well, I don’t really have the time, but I have to throw a couple bits of news and thoughts out there.
I’ve been in a very volatile state lately. Last night I was up at 1:30 am, on youtube, almost crying watching Kerri Strug nail her second Vault for an Olympic Gold in 96.
Last thursday I almost walked right out on my job. which isn’t much of one to begin with. Apparently I don’t put clothes on the floor fast enough. I was not aware that “sprinting frantically around like I’m on fire” was the desired work speed.
This has been one of the more difficult Surges to plan yet. Big ups to Alex and Cassie for their fantastic help. Most others have fallen by the wayside somehow, intentionally or not.
Not sure why I’ve been this way though. I’m restless, I guess. emotionally, and career-ally. Restless and Stressed. Hence Volatile.
But I am currently too overwhelmed with life to worry about restlessness.
Tonight is band practice. Tomorrow night is Surge rehearsal. Wednesday night is Surge. Thursday I work at BR all day and then Thursday night AND Friday night Moodhosa is playing shows in town.
I can be a hero, just for one week. I hope I don’t majorly bomb on any of those responsibilities.
2010: The pain of change.
It’s worth it.
It’s going to be worth it.
how do you judge what you believe?
Like, how do you test the things you believe? or… like… Hope?
Hope is only proven right or wrong by the results, right? Did what you hope for happen? Is there a time limit on it at all?
I am trying to remove hope and expectation from my life. Thus far, they have only disappointed. In my experiences in life, I have learned not to hope. Not saying it’s wrong or unwise for anybody to hope, only that what other people have told me about hope does not stand the test of my own life experiences. And at this point, my life experiences are holding more authority. I’m trying to avoid hopes, dreams, expectations, because it only serves to remind me what has not happened, and what is unfulfilled about my life.
One day at a time, Drew. just try to be kind and be wise. That’s really about all I can figure at this point.
I would say I’m hoping that something good will come of it, but really, I’m not. If something good happens, then good. If not, then oh well, at least I’m not disappointed. Rejection is a powerful deterrent to hope.
I’m trying not to sound depressed, because that’s not exactly what’s happening here. There is a certain amount of… sobriety in realizing that hope disappoints. There is certainly a hole in that part of my mind/heart that had been reserved for such visions and dreams and planning. I will fill it with something less intense I’m sure.
But, I won’t constantly be worried and stressed about how my life is not meeting these expectations I have of it. Love? The Payoff of Persistence? Career Path working out? For me, they have been unreasonable. But now, no problem.
There is a second thing working in my head. Peace with God. I strive to find it… Some days I feel like I might have it, most days, nothing. I’ve realized some things about feeling peace with God/right with God/righteousness/loved by God/anything like that; First, it’s been scarcer than… a moderate or liberal Rush Limbaugh fan, and second, it hasn’t been dependent on any of my actions or lifestyle choices. Prayer Life, Money, Lust, Pride, Gluttony; None of this has had a real effect one way or the other…
And most all of my life, I have been taught that these morals, these idioms, these paradigms of rightness; They are WORTH living by because of the benefits they bring, most notably: peace with God and peace with man… And while I have seen the latter to be somewhat true to an extent, I haven’t seen the former. Or rather, it has not been my experience that those paradigms and morals are what leads me to experiencing peace with God. I’m really really growing weary of standing up for and fighting to maintain and live by these paradigms and morals when for me, they’re not based on or backed up by own life experiences. I don’t feel peace with God when I decide, again, not to get drunk, or not to hook up with a girl, or whatever other vice it may be. When I resist temptation and choose wisdom, I don’t feel close to or loved by God.
On the other hand, I feel terribly when I do make mistakes, but mainly because I am letting down the expectations of my community… I don’t feel convicted from God. I don’t feel ANYTHING from God one way or the other. But I do feel bad that I let down the people in my life who believe me to be a better person than that.
I really really want to believe that what I have believed for so long is true. I just want to be able to say that I know it’s true because I have experienced it in my own life.
Does anyone relate to any of this?
my lack of punctuation
in our text communication
is a subtle demonstration
of a fast-growing frustration
with the current situation
and i’d rather face damnation
than be just this far apart.
all or none of your heart
not this awkward part
tiny little piece I now hold
reminds that i’ve been undersold
by my own damned self.
at least i’ve got my health.
but it’s failing as i’m flailing
to change the way you look at me.
I’d been putting off blogging about anything random until I wrote a couple of biggies that need addressing. But, I haven’t had the time/inclination/inspiration to really address them. But I’m tired of waiting.
I lost my job. I was fired from my job.
It was quite the shock, to be honest. I had absolutely no warning, written or otherwise, that my job was in any kind of danger.
It is a two edged sword to work in a very small office with no written codes of conduct or disciplinary policy. I am now more sure that I do not like it. Without procedure, people can get angry, and do things rashly, and there is no check or balance for it. Also, without a written code of conduct, ignorance becomes anything but bliss. Small business owners, take note.
On the one hand, I am sad and obviously, money is tighter now. On the other hand, I have been able to learn both from the experience itself and learn lots of things I wouldn’t have had time to since the experience.
So, due to that and a host of other things happening since then, so many things for me are up in the air. Where will I live in August? When will I be debt-free? What will I do for a living? All these things are completely open and i am intrigued by all the possibilities.
I guess that’s all I really have to say for now. More blogs will come. I guess I just had to get this off of my blog’s chest, before I can write about other things. So now I can.
Posts soon to come:
Movie Reviews (Up, Transformers 2, Year One, Hangover, Proposal)
TV show updates
my life is pretty much in time crisis mode nonstop these days. it’s made me stop and think.
I apologize by the way, this post is not supremely eloquent or very well thought out. Editing and revising a post on my personal blog is a luxury that possibly august will afford me.
I am turning my social knob down.
I don’t want to, really. But i have no other choice.
This is a phase in my life (read:single) wherein i have a unique opportunity to pursue the interests I want to, to grow and learn things in all the ways I really desire to. Many married people have told me while they don’t regret their marriage at all, they are jealous of that kind of freedom.
The problem is… i’m so socially motivated. I make friends easily. I tend to open up and love good, deep conversations, and love going to movies, and catchphrase, and pretty much if i can convert anything into a social event, I will.
This sounds good, but in the end i have
a. a large number of acquaintances (you’re all awesome)
b. a pretty large number of good to very close friends
c. a constantly changing list of people who are good friends of mine that are angry because I haven’t spent enough time with them recently.
d. nothing all to show in the way of progress toward any of the goals I have set for myself in life.
I have a high list of things that demand, nay deserve my time and attention, but I am too busy hanging out to give any.
I find myself neglecting responsibilities like working out, reading, or practicing drums (things I am passionate about growing in myself) for hanging out/catching up time with a certain friend or friends. This post isn’t about any particular group of friends, because they have all played that part numerous times.
If I were caught up on everything (which I will be someday soon), I might be able to be as social as I am now. but sometimes, growing up and being a responsible adult means saying no. “I can’t do that, really. I’d love to, but I have some things I have to take care of tonight. or today. or this morning. or whenever.”
Anyway. I just felt the need to write that here.
I don’t think anyone will notice a huge change per se. But I am doing, my self, my future, and my eventual wife a disservice to not chase dreams, grow, and learn all I can now at this phase of life. (including discipline.)
PS ON THE OTHER HAND,
At the band’s last show (Saturday Night), I noticed a trend: People not coming to the show because they had no one to go with. Please, I ask you not to make that a reason. See, what you might not know is, on any given night in gainesville, I have to be at or near the venue we play at until 2 am. We arrive by around 8 ish usually. Our set is usually 30-45 minutes. After that *I* am there and wanting to hang out with people (read:you). I can’t tell you how many times I have been alone at a venue ten minutes after we play. Don’t get me wrong I understand some people might have to get up early and so they leave after we get done. But still, I’m a lot of fun to hang out with and after we play, I’d love to actually have people there TO hang out with. So, come. If you can “survive” 45 minutes of stunning soul music while standing alone, then I’ll make it up to you by being extra witty afterwards.
when the smoke clears
and the dust and ash has settled
hark, what soldier still standing, firm, undeterred?
It is the good man.
Niceguyety notwithstanding, he can take a wound, can take a bullet.
And he has. But he’s not worried.
He has seen far worse.
With every battle, though victor of none, he’s made stronger yet.
Resilient, Hopeful, Intent.
Chivalry rises again before the ten-count, before all is lost.
boldly looking in the face of despair.
“Is that the best you can do?”
Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption.
“I know that you don’t think you’re ever gonna find someone else. But you will. I promise you, you will.” – Jim Halpert.
rest in peace, nice guy.
For 26 years you’ve tried. and you’ve failed. time and time and time and time and time again.
It was a fun ride. But it’s over. You’re gone.
Hope exists to disappoint.
I’m not doing this anymore.
who am I kidding?
I’ll do it again.
Because I’m cursed with Hope. cursed with it.
it feels like a scene from Memento.
If I could just remember the pain of these moments, I’d wisen up and not hope again.
But, I always forget… and so I foolishly hope again. and again.
and hope IS deferred.
and hope makes my heart sick.
Raise my glass, make a toast for remembrance…
…that’s one reason not to drink until I forget.
damn hope and its optimism. They will be the death of me.