The 2011 Quotes

Well, I’m definitely way behind on posting these, but here they are, in their completely inappropriate glory. Well, some of them, anyway. About half didn’t stand the test of time or public decency. Names have been removed to protect the least innocent.

My sincere apologies to those offended.

“If they’re not squishy I can’t put them in my mouth” – Lindsay Lucado

“She’s probably a cutter, did you see her makeup?” – Zac

“My girlfriend loves me because I’m domesticated” – Zac

“Don’t be so optimistic.” – My mom, to me, on finding love

“When my wife is ovulating I can tell: she’s a horny-angry-happy-crazy b***h; and I hate-love it.” – Matt Green

“If only I grew money as fast as pubes.” – Anonymous 1

“Take a long look at this d**k.” – Anonymous 2

“I have no tolerance for old people anymore.” – Jon Tony

“I do like to cheat; I’m not gon’ lie.” – Steve Adams, on card games and honesty

“I’m not tryin to tap that, so I’m not stalking you.” – Kyla

“I am the Patz.” -Mike Patz

“Have you ever met someone who actually stutters, it’s hard ta-ta-ta…” – Murphy

“Do you know what an O face is?” -Kristi

“Did you see that guys thighs, though?” – Josh Evans, impressed/attracted

“I got saved 2011 years ago.” – Zac

“I’d prefer it if guys had boobs and vaginas.” – Anonymous 3

“Women be shoppin'” – Shane

“Dude, imagine you’re sittin’ there on the beach, and this giant bird comes down, and it’s totally DTF!” – Matt Green *WINNER, 2011 Quote of the Year.

“What the girls DIDN’T know was there were about a dozen guys waiting at their back door– wait that sounds bad– not their pooper, the back door of their house!” – Andrew

“Hi, I’m Stephen Colbert. Kids, don’t use the “R” word. It is totally gay.” – Stephen Colbert

“I COULD go full retard.” – Matt Green, one-upping Robert Downey, Jr.

“You have an epic body.” – Zac, to me.

“I’m not white! I’m a child of God!” – DumpTruck

“Wouldn’t it be awesome if we found that there were no dinosaurs ever and those were all demon bones?” – Zac *Runner-up for 2011 Quote of the Year

“I love my Church, and I’m a Catholic who was raised by intellectuals, who were very devout. I was raised to believe that you could question the Church and still be a Catholic. What is worthy of satire is the misuse of religion for destructive or political gains. That’s totally different from the Word, the blood, the body and the Christ. His kingdom is not of this earth.” – Stephen Colbert

“I’ve gotten really good at putting condoms on confused males.” – Nicole Blattler, Nurse

“I’m actually licking myself and that’s not necessary for this maneuver.” – Hannah Harber

“When did all these girls get the idea that guys wanted to be friends?” – Britt Daniel

“I’m tellin ya man, mustaches are a dangerous thing.” – Richard Jackson.

“Why do women care so much about respect? I don’t respect myself at all!” – DumpTruck

“I’m not actually turned on by the American flag.” – Zac

“Nice Bible. Let’s f**k.” – Anonymous 4, demonstrating reformed christian pickup lines

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