“what a man does” by drew allen.
(the rough, unedited cut)
written in 2007
a man plays poker.
a man is not arrogant.
a man does not shave his legs or arms.
a man wears almost no jewelry.
a man downs a stiff drink without coughing or making a face.
a man does not make downing stiff drinks a habit.
a man rarely orders a mixed drink.
a man never orders a drink with an umbrella.
a man almost never drinks sweet wine.
a man works hard.
a man works out.
a man works.
a man does his absolute best to avoid all debt.
a man cries for spiritual reasons.
a man cries for family reasons.
a man cries for no other reasons.
i think a break away from it all is what i really need
sleeping at last i really am
but what for but a better life
and a better job which is fine
and all i really need is to take a break
i think from it all i just have a bit of
all the confidence of not caring
keeps giving me chances
i can’t afford to not care about
or thats what my clock keeps telling me
get the number
make the call
break the fall
of the last no
the last maybe
the last not now
the last if i wasn’t leaving
maybe in the future
guess its good
i’m living for the future
so my present is my past
and yes my presence is a present
so kiss my a$$ and yours
is a gift too
the presence i mean
well both really
and either way
kanye hit the nail on the head
with that one and please know
that despite my cherokee roots
the giving they describe as indian
is not my preferred kind
no its not too late
and no i can’t just
don’t you see
the waiting is the hardest part
and also the self destructive start
to the end of this thing
the bird is biting my hand to get away
and the bush with the other two is burnt to the ground
down to a crisp i miss the days when it all made sense
when hope rang true like a church bell, not weirdly false like a doorbell rings besides theres only a window left open the door is shut
but i guess i should be glad
there’s a sliver of light peeping through
this glorified gun slot of a window; it’s true
I’ll never fit through; was I ever meant to
but I can make sure no one comes close too soon
fire off shots at high noon to warn the foolish
so just need this break i’m not broke anymore
but that doesn’t matter anymore (apparently)
but maybe when my breaking is over you
might find my broken is over too.
Silly naive souls, those are people not piñatas and those hearts falling to the ground aren’t the candy kind.
So, I wrote this during the summer. Never posted it. Found it again, so now I’m posting it. Enjoy.
Who is She?
She’s attractive. to me.
She’s attracted. to me.
She prefers wine.
She prefers red wine.
She classy, but she doesn’t mince words.
She has opinions, but is easygoing and open-minded.
She is affectionate.
She is wise.
She is compassionate.
She’s kind of a homebody, but still full of dreams and aspirations and a refusal to stop learning or growing.
She’s punctual, or at least understands its importance.
She enjoys a good story in any medium, be it a well-written book, or a well-made movie or TV series.
She has a musical ability of some kind or a real appreciation for good music in many forms.
Music is my armor.
Music is my sword.
It is the liquor I drink alone.
And my coffee the next morning.
Music is the perfect pair of Ray Bans that give me all the confidence in the world.
It is the coach in my corner between fierce rounds of life’s fight.
It is my Iron Man costume.
Music is my silver sequined glove.
It is the soundtrack of celebrations and sorrows.
It is my sacrament that reminds me who I am.
Music is my life.
my lack of punctuation
in our text communication
is a subtle demonstration
of a fast-growing frustration
with the current situation
and i’d rather face damnation
than be just this far apart.
all or none of your heart
not this awkward part
tiny little piece I now hold
reminds that i’ve been undersold
by my own damned self.
at least i’ve got my health.
but it’s failing as i’m flailing
to change the way you look at me.
there are so many things i want to write about but i am feeling so tongue-tied i don’t really know what to say anyway i guess i am more fully believing in christ but more full confused as to what that means to my life day to day and i don’t know where to draw the line between respecting people’s beliefs and decisions and trying to point them the right direction or hell at least a wise direction what about when i know what people believe is it wrong to point times when they should be living that way or do i keep silent when words and actions collide in inconsistency i wouldn’t want people to keep silent for me i would want them to speak up and take action i might be angry for a bit but then i would thank you later i am more and more realizing the idea that you can’t give a child everything he thinks he wants now because thats not good for him in the long run people and friends are the same way kinda i’m having more fun than all of you life is good for me but busy and i don’t know or i didn’t know that it may cost me friendships along the way that was never part of the plan so i don’t quite know what to do jesus is just alright with me so is donnie brasco and i could sure use a matt or two or three but for now another tea from cc for me and back to productivity.
crack the whip. sell the debt. a life i regret.
the center is life most true.
i hate my apathy, but there’s no use trying to fix it.
and yet, i must.