what a woeful wednesday.

i think i need a glass of water.

i’m a little dizzy.

my head is throbbing as painfully as it ever has in my life.

my face is peeling incessantly flaking everywhere and making me look like a dying mutant.

plus every position shift sends my shirt sliding over my shoulders like sandpaper on an open wound.

every customer today has had some kind of complex issue.

i just want to collapse and stay gone for days.

midweek mafia mullings (transparency)

i want a nice italian girl, like back from the neighborhood, the fictitious italian one i have created in my mind.

what happened to the old days, when a girl liked a guy who treated her right, took care of her, even if he was a little hairy, or he had a foul mouth, she supported him because he adored her? anyway.

i’m in a very italian mood lately.

i want to shave my face. at least most of it.

very rare. to see an italian with a beard.

especially the kind of beard i grow.

maybe subconsciously i enjoy italian culture because large men are not looked down upon until they start getting to “two plane ticket” status.

Rather, they are seen as big, powerful anchors of families.

and they are.

Lovers of their families.

Lovers of laughter, stories, loyalty.

Fierce protectors of the things/people/ideals they love.

i want to be more manly.

that would help a lot of things along.

although for the record, it does not help a man’s sense of manliness when women find it impossible to even see him as a man.

pretty honest i know… but at this point, i’ve got nothing to lose…

it’s long but good.

defcon twenty.

what a trip.

The most emotionally exhausting trip I have ever been on.

Good and bad.

in the end more bad than good.

So here we go.

Friday night here in Lakeland I saw Daniel sartin and pemberley play at Lillian’s. good times. John. Tim. Liz. Quinn. Forrest. Page. Marsh. Larose. Addis (Addis). Scotch. Rocks. Al Capone. Met Rachel Lyn. Holy Crap. I know there were more people but I can’t remember. Some Wachovia bank tellers.

I left thinking… “maybe Lakeland isn’t too bad after all… maybe I can find a job here… maybe the money thing will work out…”

 

Anyway, Saturday I drove to Gainesville, then after millhopper café with my parents, rode with my mom to Charleston SC. We saw my grandfather in the hospital. He was in good spirits, but ready to get home. Being in a hospital just made me think more of my dad, and the brevity of life in general.

After that my mom and I tried unsuccessfully to eat at a Japanese steakhouse for Mother’s Day Eve, (“yeah, at least 2 hours, maybe more…”) We ended up at Texas Roadhouse, where we ate steak, and traded crazy stories… or tried. I love you Mom.

Late night Wal Mart Run for a tape adaptor and a gift, and I hit the bed (couch) at Grandma’s.

Then Sunday morning I got up and tried unsuccessfully to use wifi at Atlanta Bread Company to get directions to Rockingham, NC. It was then I discovered the uncannily similar shades to blue/gray between my mom’s car and my laptop.

And I hit the road and drove through plenty of small towns to get to Rockingham. It was a very emotional drive.

Upon arrival, I sprung ($15 more) for the Jacuzzi suite.

That night I watched sopranos.

The next morning, I drove to pick up my, for lack of a better word, “Aunt” Bonnie. No blood relation, but close family friend who has taken care of my dad for years before he was admitted to the hospice care place. I picked her up at the place where her husband works. It’s a used car lot called:

I’m serious.

And then I saw my dad. And it nearly destroyed me. He didn’t even recognize me until right before I left. He can’t talk, He lost most of his hair during the chemo… He struggles to maintain eye contact with me. At the end, I asked to be alone with him… I leaned in next to him and sat on the chair… and promptly lost my struggle to not cry…

“Dad, I have to go… I love you, Dad… I love you…I want you to know that…”

His eyes met mine and I would swear it seemed like tears were welling up in his and his look told me he did understand me.

“I know if you could, you’d tell me you love me, and you are so proud of me…”

He ALWAYS told me those two things at the end of every conversation I can ever remember having with him.

“I have to go now, Dad… I love you.”
          “… great time.”

I knew when he said those words, he meant them.

Great time. Everything. Our relationship. My visit. Whatever he intended them for, the look we shared told me he knew he said what he wanted to.

“Yes dad. It’s been a great time… I love you.”

And that’s the last thing I said before I walked out of the room.

After that I was at a funeral home, where I received a ton of contrived sympathy over preparing to cremate my father. And a price list that made me want to cry a different kind of tears.

I spent the afternoon with Aunt Bonnie. She cooked me one of the best southern cooking meals I have had in years! Amazing.

Then I had one of the most awesome and terrible phone conversations I have had in long time. It’s contents will perplex me for years to come. I am at this point at a frustrum in life as I realize some kind of unnatural obstacle outside myself that prevents women from feeling non-platonic feelings for me… they don’t know why they don’t… they actually want to have non-platonic feelings for me… but they don’t… twice now in my life this has happened to me.

I wish I knew what or why this occurs. So…

On Tuesday I drove back to Charleston and then rode with my mom back to Gainesville. And I decided to not give up, and to be earnest.

Wednesday I agreed to a job interview on Friday. And I started working on my portfolio site (www.drewplaysdrums.com) . And I had lunch with Matt Green. And I played some smooth grooves with Matt Stauffer, Steve Adams, and Angel. And I had some fazoli’s with Kyle. And some coffee with berto. And I realized that being earnest is often futile and pointless.

Thursday I helped my Step-dad and step-uncle work on a car that I might end up with soon. And I had one of the most profound experiences with a television show I have ever had. The Office Season Finale was a life-altering experience in a way. Possibly because in the same week I was dealing with a job interview in a different city and a girl I’ve been close friends with for years and the feelings of wanting much, much more than that. So you can see how the finale was very fitting to me.

And then I went to Jim’s and watched the finale again.

Then I met Megan at Perkins. Good times.

Friday I finished my portfolio site and had a very stress-filled, running-late drive to the interview. The conference room was lined on all sides with pez dispensers. That was a good sign. The better sign was I was the first interviewee on this job that had been posted for about two weeks, and the best sign was that the job requirements didn’t fall outside my basic abilities. We’ll see soon on that.

Then I had a late lunch with Nancy Green. Awesome.

Then I had an absolute BLAST at the Chuck Ragan Show. Matt. Berto. Matt. Crob. Mary. Jane. Chick drummer #1. Summer Ale. PBR. Philips Head. Chick Drummer #2.

Then we went to Perkins. Dory. Quotes:

“I feel violated when Stauffer touches your boobs.” – Jane, to me.
“Do you think Jesus was a martyr?” – Zack Power

Then I had a great talk with Stauffer about words and their power and their meaning. And of course about girls too. Then I went to bed. And at the end of     THAT Friday night out to a show with friends, I really thought,

        “Lakeland is awesome, and there are friends I have made there that I will ALWAYS be close to… But Gainesville is home.”

And on Saturday, I drove back to Lakeland.

So that’s kinda what happened.

I have since come to a small form of resolution with a close, close friend of mine. Pretty much, right now, as I have been typing all of this. I am still proud to call her my friend.

“God… I’m a knee injury.”

And now, I have to go to bed. Back to WaMu tomorrow… Lord, beer me strength. I’ll need it.

huge update…

everything from the last few days, basically since i went on vacation…  in order…

sunday:

stoic, i want to be you.

i am in a hotel at holiday inn express in rockingham, NC.

my heart is kinda hurting for numerous reasons.
some you can probably guess. others you cannot.

this is the first time in my life that i have stayed alone at a hotel.
as in, i know no one else here.

so many things to express.
there is a little italian place nearby, a local place.
some may call it gluttony for punishment, but i imagine it will be a unique experience.

and then i’m gonna watch sopranos.

and then i’m gonna drown my sorrows….

…in the jacuzzi in my room… should be good.

its not always rainbows and butterflies.
it’s compromise that moves us along.
my heart is full and my door’s always open.
come anytime you want.

monday:

maybe this is just because i’m in a volatile state right now, but i just read my comments like i always do when i wake up, but i’m sitting here crying after.
i love you guys so much.

maybe the reason i am only able to be platonic is because subconsciously i just really love my friends… that’s an odd theory…
but i do love my friends.

ok, now to shower.

long day…

i just took 3 advil.
it’s been a long day.
i’m not going to write about all of it right now…
still processing everything.
but the comfort is, there were as many laughs as tears. and some that went from laughing to crying.
thanks for the calls. and texts.
i think i need another jacuzzi therapy session.
can anyone guess what the benefit of having a jacuzzi in your own room alone is?

goodnight all.

tuesday:

i’m not talking about my dad when i say

another one bites the dust.
i just can’t believe this.
it’s a bad dream i can’t wake up from.
yeah. i’m moving to gainesville.
as soon as i get a good job there.

[wanna help me look?]

wednesday:

my life is officially in the air.
I have at least one job interview this week.
I am working on a portfolio site for myself.
and I am being earnest.

the feeling when you throw up that three pointer, and it’s in the air… and it might win you the game…

that’s the feeling i have had for over a day now… it’s all so exciting and nervewracking.

2007… “bold moves”… lol.

andrew